Or any day. In essence, the things I learned to do and view as normal in order to maintain my membership in whiteness, I don’t want to do that anymore.
To my fellow white people, some of you who I am close to might be confused by certain changes in me. The way I show up in our relationship is different, or so I have been told. Moreover, I have been informed that my recent behavior regarding race has been hurtful to you. Please understand that it is not my intention to cause you harm.
The reason for the change is I have made a decision to actively disrupt whiteness whenever I can. By whiteness, I’m referring to the socialization processes, power structures, advantages, narratives, and experiences that favor the white racial group over others. I am noticing how whiteness operates as a position of privilege and influences how white people perceive ourselves and the world. And, I no longer want to be part of it.
The truth is, I have no desire to argue with white people or anyone else, as bickering about racial injustice doesn’t create equity. My primary goal is not to classify people as racists or to intentionally offend them, although these have been unintended outcomes I've encountered lately. I cannot remain silent and do nothing about race solely to avoid conflict. Keeping the peace, being polite, and avoiding discussions about race, racism, or whiteness, as we usually do, simply doesn’t bring us lasting and meaningful benefits.
I want to work against the ways white dominance flows through American culture and holds all of us captive. This means, I’m learning to reject invitations to engage in practices and beliefs that maintain the racial status quo. I’m figuring out how to relate and act in ways that defy what I learned to do and be with race.
I have come to understand that American culture is steeped in the myth of white superiority. The belief that white is better, more normal, and more deserving of empathy and care is constantly reinforced in our society. I have also recognized that the way I approach race affects those around me. I think this is what you’re noticing in our relationship.
This is why I am fully disclosing that I will no longer passively or intentionally ignore when whiteness shows up. Instead, I am examining how being white impacts me and us as white people. To achieve this, I am sharing stories of race and exposing whiteness.
In the past, when I have shared these types of stories, it has upset other white individuals. Please understand that my aim is not to make you feel bad or highlight the flaws of others. By omitting whiteness from our narrative and failing to address the harm it brings, we hinder our collective healing.
I am trying to become something other than the racial identity that I have known. And I’m doing my utmost to keep my relationship with you. When we hide who we are or who we are trying to become from one another, we lack a genuine connection.
This is why I am honest with you about what’s happening for me. Saying what someone else wants us to say and doing what someone else wants us to do, does not allow us to truly know one another or appreciate what is important to the other. My hope is for our relationship to be founded on genuine understanding and respect for each other's values.
What I am doing with race is rooted in love, both for myself and for others. When we care for one another, we don't take a stand against something just to hurt each other. It may seem like my stand against whiteness is intentionally hurting you, but in truth, I am simply striving to live according to my values.
I appreciate your intention to do good in this world and your commitment to your beliefs. However, if your belief system and adherence to your values result in or promote the oppression and devaluation of people who hold different beliefs, I cannot support it. Diversity and inclusion that says everyone is welcome as long as they check the things which don’t conform to whiteness at the door, is not for me. And, in the most productive way possible, I’m trying to talk about this with you because you matter to me.
I will no longer keep with a racial status quo that brings violence to everyone. Our part of this social order - whiteness - has been wreaking havoc on everything, including our own thoughts, feelings, and ability to care for one another. I don’t want to white with you anymore. I would love for us to be done with whiteness together.
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