Lately, the question, “what happens when you outgrow people?” just won’t leave me alone. It’s one question among others that have been occupying my mind.
How do you handle moments when someone you care about is clearly valuing their ideas about people more than actual people? What do you do when the relationships where you thought you'd always belong become unwelcoming to the free and whole person you're becoming? How do you respond when they seem to love their idea of you and not the real you?
But back to the question I can’t escape, what actually happens when you outgrow people? This isn't about being exclusionary or thinking I’m superior. Instead, it's about the realization that some people have particular expectations for who I should be, how people should act, and how relationships should work. While my past self may have matched up well with this image, over the years I've changed in ways that no longer fit that mold.
Outgrowing people is a fitting description for the disconnect I've experienced with some loved ones. Despite our care for one another, our interactions recently are challenging. I feel as though I'm constantly letting them down.
They seem to want to ignore the ways I’m different now. They hint at how they wish we could go back to when we disagreed less — or maybe they mean back to when I was less disagreeable. Since I’m the one who’s changed, it appears I’m the problem.
I sense a bit of nostalgia from them for the person I used to be — someone more like them. This was the version of me who kept differing beliefs and values closer to my chest. The me who followed a similar script to theirs, didn’t venture off the beaten path, and didn’t have a partner and family that doesn’t fit neatly into a box.
Holding onto love is tricky for us now. When my identity, experiences, and beliefs about what’s best for me and my family are constantly opposed, it feels impossible. Our values and hopes endlessly appear to be at odds. These relationships, once familiar and seemingly enduring, are now brimming with uneasiness.
These particular people who I’ve cared about for many years, their commitments, and life’s ebb and flow, line up with who I know them to be. Only, it feels as though they’re holding onto their beliefs and morals more rigidly than ever. Maybe they've always had such steadfast and unyielding convictions. Perhaps I didn't notice earlier because my values and beliefs were more in sync with theirs.
That I’ve decidedly moved away from things that once brought us together appears to be too outlandish and distressing. Much of how I view myself, understand others, and navigate life no longer fit with the narratives, values, beliefs, and ways of being that we used to share. While the person I was had room to grow and thrive, the person I am now and who I'm becoming cannot flourish in the same place.
In the past, I was more willing to bend to preserve our bond. Given our similarities then, this flexibility wasn't too difficult, and they seemed willing to bend for me too. But now, it feels like their discomfort, fear, and fixed beliefs are asking me to set aside the well-being of my partner and kids, and my own values. There’s no room for anything that differs, the kind of flexing they’re asking for could cause us to break.
Our conversations about what matters to us frequently deteriorate. We seem to drift further apart. This ongoing conflict makes us lose sight of what we cherish about one another.
Some folks have suggested that, for my well-being and that of my partner and kids, I might need to cut ties with those I've outgrown. I understand where they're coming from. Belonging that means sticking to an old version of myself or hiding parts of who I am, isn’t for me.
I go back and forth. There’s the persistent tension between us, and the heartache it causes. It’s exhausting. I often long to be free of it.
On the other hand, relationships with those who've journeyed with me through different life stages hold a special value. Losing such connections can cause a unique sort of pain. These people know my history and background, and we've navigated many seasons and trials together. I appreciate how these bonds have shaped me.
I also believe that it's important to meet people where they are, not where I want or expect them to be. I recognize that my idea of what's best for someone else probably doesn't match their own view of what's best for their life. And it doesn’t have to.
I remember the goodness of these people with whom I now know discord. I'm uncertain about my next steps. I want to be someone who stands by their loved ones. Even in their worst moments, I aim to remind them of their inherent beauty and potential.
Saying goodbye to people I’ve held dear can sometimes feel like I'm also parting ways with the person I'm truly striving to be. I don’t want cutting ties to be my go-to strategy when dealing with challenging relationships or situations. Moreover, I don’t want to feel like I need to remove people from my life to be whole. I can’t seem to shake the belief that we can find a way to appreciate and look out for one another, without having to hide or completely alter who we are.
Maybe outgrowing people is just a part of life. Perhaps many of us have found ourselves here at some point. I can tell you from my own experiences, and from what I've seen in others, particularly during my time as a therapist, it can be profoundly and continuously painful when loved ones accept only the parts of us that fit with their notions of what’s normal and good.
So, what do we do when an important piece of who we are is dismissed or outright rejected by the very people who say they love us?
I won't claim to have definitive answers - if you've read this far, you've probably surmised that. Perpetually striving to choose love, maintain hope, and live out my values, helps. I also find it comforting to know that I'm not alone.
If any of this resonates with you, please know, you're not alone either. You belong here.
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