“You’ve Got To Play The Game.”

I’ve heard people say this all my life — if you want to win, you’ve got to play the game. It’s often said like simple wisdom. Just the way things are.

Photo by oo verthing on Unsplash

A friend said it to me recently, and this time, I couldn’t just nod and move on. It lingered. It made me angry. So I sat with it. I asked myself: Why does this idea bother me so much? Why do I feel something tighten every time I hear it?

And then it came to me — I don’t want to play the game I’ve been handed. I definitely don’t want my brown kids, black partner — or anyone I love — stuck playing it either. Because the truth is, the game is rigged. 

It seems the reason we haven’t truly achieved the things we say we value most in the U.S. — freedom, justice, integrity — is because we’re holding tightly to a game that’s stacked against those very ideals. Instead of moving us closer to these values, the playbook we cling to keeps them out of reach. The game itself has become the barrier standing between us and the values we claim define who we are.

Even if, as a white woman in this country., some of the rules tilt in my favor… what does it cost me to keep playing a game was built for some of us to fail? What happens to me when I participate in something that says everyone is welcome, everyone gets a fair chance — but quietly makes sure that isn’t true?

What kind of mental gymnastics do I have to perform to block out the inequity and truth of daily life right in front of me? What stories do I have to believe? What do I have to numb? Who might I have to ignore?

Because the harm is real. An unfair game that pretends to be fair  — and demands that we all live by its rules — does damage. It harms those pushed to the margins, yes. But it also harms those of us who are closer to “winning,” even if we don’t notice it right away.

Going along with it shapes us. It distances us — from each other and from parts of ourselves that know better. It asks us to choose comfort over truth, and convenience over care. It keeps us from real freedom.

I don’t want to keep choosing that. I don’t want this game anymore. If we must play a game, I want a different one.

One where we don’t have to twist ourselves to fit the rules. One where the finish line isn’t only reachable for a few. One where winning doesn’t require someone else losing.

Because this current game? It was made by people. Real people set the rules. Real people decided what counted and who would have the easiest path forward.

And if people created it… people can change it. We’re not stuck with it.

So maybe the point or life lesson isn’t learning how to play the game better. Maybe the real work is imagining what could come next. What might a new game look like — one built on real equity — and actual freedom?

Maybe that’s where hope lives. Not in figuring out how to win the old, rigged game — but in building a new one.