I’m not a good white person… and I don’t want to be.
Being a good human is an admirable goal. My problem is, I don’t think whiteness can be good. I also don’t think it needs to be.
Hear me out. I’m not implying that having light skin makes one incapable of goodness. Nor am I suggesting that those of us on the paler side should hate ourselves or feel bad about the amount of melanin we have. We have no control over the genetics that determine our skin color, and there’s no point in feeling bad about it.
The issue lies in the meaning and worth attached to what’s deemed white skin - how whiteness is privileged, protected, and normalized as a standard for all humans. The very idea of whiteness was conceived to set up a human hierarchy, provoke division, and dominate resources. Given that whiteness is a fictitious gauge of humanity and an ideology designed for such destruction, I find it hard to see how it can be redeemed.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried to be a good white person. I wanted to be the one that my black and brown loved ones could point to as the exception. I know lots of white folks who see themselves as good people and I’m almost certain that I don’t know anyone who wants to be a terrible human. But I didn't personally know anyone who was held up as a model of what it is to be an exceptional white person.
I had not yet sought out and learned the stories of those white people throughout history who stood for equality. Although I studied others' advice on how to improve, searching for a formula or recipe to follow, I still didn't have a clear picture of what being a good white person meant in my everyday life. (See below for a few books that helped me along the way).
Like most aspirations and goals I hold, being a good white person was a moving target. It was informed by my relationships with others, their perceptions of me, and how I understood myself. There wasn’t a definitive end result. Rather, it was an ever growing understanding of myself in relationship to others and the world. Not bad stuff, right?
But, my striving to be a good white person was problematic because it still involved whiteness. One thing I’ve learned about whiteness is that when it shows up, it usually takes over. This is what happened in my efforts to be a good white person.
My striving centered me, with a focus on how I performed and measured up as an individual. I was wrapped up with doing, comparing myself to others, keeping account, and making sure folks knew about my good deeds. I selected and wove moments together to create a story of my good white person-ness.
Unfortunately, this narrative was lacking. It left out the parts that didn’t fit with the good white person plot. There were the times when my actions didn't line up with racial equity, what matters most to me, or even being a decent human. Instances where I went along with the racial status quo, moments when I didn’t speak up, and events where I sat out and chose not to challenge the racist beliefs and behaviors that keep white people on top. This story omitted the moments when I let external pressure, discomfort, fear, old habits, and familiar patterns keep me from being the sort of good white person that I told myself I was.
My good white person tale didn’t actually help me be a good white person. It didn’t capture the full story, didn’t take into account the whole history of whiteness, and basically let me off the hook. It kept me safe, it let me, and whiteness, be just far enough removed from the problem of racism so that I had no real responsibility in it.
I used to think that my attempts to be a good white person were only to benefit others. It didn't occur to me that understanding how whiteness affects me, and how it's playing a part in inequity, is actually a win for me too. I never really stopped to unpack my tangled, hidden connections to the whole complicated race situation in the US. Mainly because I didn't understand how my failure to recognize the role of race in my own life and story was a serious problem for me.
Instead of taking a good, hard look at myself and facing my own struggles with race, I was busy comparing myself to other white people whom I defined as worse than me. I was all about pointing fingers and calling out when what I really needed was to dig deep, get curious, and build bridges.
Trying to be this sort of good white person left me persistently afraid that I’d mess up. Rather than addressing my fears, accepting that I might get it wrong, and figuring out how to own up to my mistakes, I focused on finding others' flaws and proving that I was better. My way of being a good white person was pretty much the same old story of feeling superior, defining what’s right and wrong in others, and creating division - just like what whiteness tends to do.
My good white person routine didn't cut it because it was more about what I was doing, not who I was being. Despite my best efforts to tackle racism and stand up as an ally, I was still pretty lost when it came to understanding my own role in racial inequity. I had no clue how to navigate this whole racial identity thing. I couldn't seem to get comfortable in my own skin, always uncomfortable with being white. And, I needed to change that. It was time to face some hard truths that I had been avoiding.
Wrapping my head around the fact that life can be tough, but it's not made more difficult because of my race? This isn’t easy. We're fed all these tales in the US about how success is just about pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, hustling hard, and it's all down to your skills and talent. But, that's not the reality for most of us, and it’s time for me to help change the narrative.
Trying to figure out what to do about a system that gives me a leg up just because of my skin color? That's a big task. But working to let go of my angst about being white and tangled up in whiteness, actually frees me up to help undo it. And talking about race with other white folks? Yes, it can be awkward and difficult. But it’s necessary. Our collective looking the other way and staying silent keeps this system alive and keeps us trapped in it.
So now, instead of trying to be a good white person, I'm digging into what it means to be white and trying to dismantle that. I’m pressing for all the goodness that I desire and imagine for me and my loved ones - the things I’ve been told are scarce, that there’s not enough to go around, and so us white folks have to hoard it - I’m wanting this for everyone. This journey of sharing and hearing stories, learning and unlearning still involves what I do - but it’s even more about who I’m becoming. I'm becoming freer, and in the process, I’m helping to cultivate more freedom for all of us.
Books I’ve found helpful along the way
— What White People Can Do Next: From Allyship to Coalition by Emma Dabiri
— The Black Friend: On Being A Better White Person by Frederick Joseph
— How To Be An Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi
— How To Be Less Stupid About Race: On Racism, White Supremacy, And The Racial Divide by Crystal M. Fleming
— Speaking of Race: Why Everybody Needs To Talk About Racism — And How To Do It by Celeste Headlee
Comentários