It has happened again. Have you ever found yourself in this situation? You’re in a conversation with another person or a group of people, and you reach a point where someone exasperatedly asks, “What do you want me to do?”
I’ve been in this spot many times. Sometimes, I’m the one asking, and when I do, it’s usually because I don’t think there’s much I can do about the situation. I ask this question when I feel that other people have mistakenly made me responsible for something that I think is beyond my control. I often end up here in conversations with those closest to me about issues that directly affect our lives. Recently, I’ve encountered it frequently when I’m talking about race with other white people and, from what I can tell, they don’t really want me to answer.
The exasperated “What do you want me to do?” is usually a destination. It signals we have come to the end of our conversation. When race is the topic at hand and a fellow white person asks this, we’ve reached an impasse. At that point, meaningful consideration seems out of reach. I have an answer for what I want white people to do about race and racial inequity. But, from the tone of voice in which it’s asked and the route the conversation has taken, in that moment, it seems no response can be heard.
But, if we could hear each other out, I’d say that I want better for everyone. I firmly believe that white people taking action to address racial injustice is crucial. Engaging in concrete efforts to undo racial inequity is about wellness and security for all of us. The exasperation, outrage, shame, sadness, and other negative emotions we often experience when confronted with racial injustice aren’t our only options. We can choose how we will respond.
I’d also say that I believe it’s vital for white people to acknowledge that race does have an impact on us and to free ourselves from the communal delusion that it does not. Continuing this illusion only produces harm. Racism persists over time and cannot simply disappear on its own. The reality is that, as people alive today, we did not create the racial hierarchy. Nevertheless, we are stuck in it and it is up to us to undo it.
Apart from the basic requests of “please don’t be racist” and “please don’t deny that racism is real,” I am not interested in telling anyone else what they should do. Frankly, I’ve tried this and found it’s not helpful. This is especially true when I attempt to do this with another white person who, like me, was socialized to disengage and see ourselves as separate from race and racial inequity.
I’d prefer to work alongside other white people, sharing ideas for growth and learning, asking questions, and getting curious. I also believe in being vulnerable about our struggles with race. Through my words and actions, I aim to support white people helping one another develop practices to connect with and rewrite our own stories about race. I’m much more interested in building community and cultivating accountability than telling others what I want them to do.
I don’t believe that telling others exactly what they need to do about racial inequity brings us any closer to genuinely connecting with and participating in undoing it. When I tell others what they should do regarding race and racism, I perpetuate a problematic dynamic that I’ve witnessed all too often in white communities. Where white people take on a passive role and wait for someone else to provide information about race and racism, expecting clear instructions on what to do and how to do it. This type of active inaction allows us to remain at a safe distance and sustains the faulty belief that race and racial inequity don’t directly involve us. More importantly, there’s no need for me to tell others what to do or how to understand race and inequity because many wise voices have already mapped it out — there’s no need to reinvent the wheel (here’s a list of resources and here’s some books for a taste).
My white friends, it’s time we acknowledge that we are behind. We white folk haven’t paid enough attention to how race impacts our lives, and our inattention has consequences. As a group, we’ve contributed to racial inequity by finding group cohesiveness and belonging in the shared activity of ignoring race. I’ve seen many of us recoil or balk at being called white or being lumped together as white. We’ve maintained a culture of whiteness that keeps us stuck in a state of not knowing what to do or say, even when we want to know what to say or do.
I’ve heard countless white people say that we want diversity and equality. Yet paradoxically, we live in predominantly white worlds, sharing space, relating to, and surrounding ourselves with mostly white people. Our default position seems to be pretending that race doesn’t matter, when in reality, it matters a great deal. I would bet that ignoring race and turning a blind eye to racial injustice is a stance only acceptable to other white people. Maybe this is why we can’t seem to find the diversity we’re looking for.
So, what do I want you to do? I desire for white people to come together and work out what’s truly getting in our way of speaking and doing. What keeps us from knowing what to do? Why don’t we know what to say? How do we help one another become other than the racial identity we’ve known? How do we begin to create something other than the system of race we’ve been given? I can’t answer these questions for someone else and I have to frequently ask them of myself.
If what I want feels difficult, I understand. As a therapist, I am well-trained in helping people identify the changes they want to make and supporting them on their journey. And, I also struggle to make change, especially when it comes to addressing whiteness and racism in my own life. Nonetheless, maintaining inequity comes at a cost, and ignoring it won’t make our lives any easier. We cannot make progress if we stay still — we must take steps towards healing.
I know that I cannot single-handedly generate a new racial order. I also don’t want the racial reality I see to continue. My white friends, I want us to start answering for ourselves what is ours to do or un-do. Then I’d like for us to do it.
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