Yeah, right. As if I could tell another person what they needed without knowing about their story, experiences, values, and the unique skills and knowledge they already possess. That’s some caucasity right there.
What I can offer is a bit of what I wish I had understood more fully before marrying a black man, bringing our biracial children into the world, and building our multi-racial future together.
Race may be a made up concept, but it has a real impact on our lives. Digging into how whiteness is and has always been an influence in your life is challenging yet freeing. Remaining ignorant about race is no longer an option, and, given the way race works in the US, it never should have been.
Yes, you love people of color — but that doesn’t mean you’re an expert in race or interracial relationships. Your entire life you’ve been absorbing untrue and harmful messages about what it means to be white and what it means if you’re not. While love is beautiful and powerful, it can’t automatically erase what you’ve learned. That’s something you must actively interrogate and undo.
Just like everyone else in the US, you have a racial context or starting place — and for you, it’s whiteness. As a therapist, you’ve learned that it’s easier to address things that you can name — you have to name whiteness. This is an important and sensitive topic for you, and sometimes, the way you talk about racism and whiteness can get a bit messy and emotional — with time and practice, you’ll improve. Also, you’re relatively new at paying attention to racism and whiteness, and you’re going to mess up. Don’t let it stop you. Instead apologize, listen, be curious, open yourself to new possibilities, and don’t rush — this is a lifelong journey.
Racism is real and it will break your heart. Every. Time. It doesn’t get less painful for you or the people of color who you love, and it is scary. Remember, this is what it is to be human and be connected to others — to share in one another’s joys and pain. Don’t back down when people deny the racism you have personally witnessed. Continue to speak out and take a stand when people attempt to make racism invisible. You know that doing so aligns with your values and helps foster collective healing. So, be about your values and healing.
Your kids know about race — even tiny babies notice racial differences. There’s no such thing as too young an age to discuss race and racism. And, being able to talk with your biracial kids about race is absolutely necessary.
Some people in your life are not as open and accepting of diversity as they tell you or believe that they are. You’ll often feel as though you’re losing touch with some of the white folks that mean the most to you. Paying attention to race and acknowledging the role that whiteness plays in racial inequity, will strain some relationships and bring an end to others. But, doing so will make you more whole, a better partner, and a better parent. This is a small price to pay to become the person your spouse and children need, and the person you desire to be. Grieve the relationships you’ve lost and cherish the ones you can keep.
You’ve got a story about race — it’s about how you’re a good white person. Granted, the plot leaves out the bits of how you learned to ignore racism and avoid untoward details about whiteness, but it’s a story nonetheless. You selected a collection of events and experiences, tied them together, and attributed meaning to them to form this good white person narrative. It’s a storyline supported by the white people around you and the larger culture. The tough part to swallow is, this story isn’t exactly true and it has kept you from genuinely confronting racism and acknowledging the role of whiteness in your life and in racial disparities. Even so, examining whiteness will help you craft a better narrative — one about how you’re becoming the person you wish to be, about growing your understanding of whiteness and racism, and working to create equity. New experiences and perspectives, along with the stories you tell, bear witness to, and retell, will help you make new meaning of what it is to be white.
White people opposing racial inequity alongside people of color is not a new phenomenon — you are not alone. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise or suggest that disrupting the racial status quo is wrong. Also, don’t believe claims that pursuing equity or working to undo whiteness harms white people. Instead, seek inspiration from those who are or have been striving for the same goal, learn from each other, support one another, and keep moving forward.
That’s my short list. I’m sure it’s incomplete and there’s much more to add. This is a journey I’m still on.
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